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Post-Lockdown Fear

Updated: Apr 28, 2021

I've now been off work for 8 weeks. For those of you that don't know me, I'm a workaholic and I love my job (most of the time). So to have 8 weeks off, 5 of those weeks without access to my emails, has been a journey. That's a long time! I feel like the Emma that left campus on 19th December is not me, and now it's coming up to that time when I have to go back to work, in about 10 days, and I feel like a weird slug woman who has no skills.

In the film industry they say don't work with children and dogs, and sometimes I wish I'd heeded that in my own life. My job involves a lot of rule-keeping, telling off and monitoring - I work in a boarding house with around 80 boys age 11-16. And anyone who works with teenagers knows that you have to be on the ball - they can smell weakness, fear and jelly-brain. I currently feel ALL OF THESE FEELINGS. I remember approximately 3 rules, and honestly I can't remember all their names right now, I'm going to have to just call them all "dude" until I am prompted or have a brain wave - and this will make them hate me even more than they probably already do.

On the news there's been talk of teachers having an easy time and the conversation about home schooling and all that bullsh*t. Shout out to the teachers and boarding staff out there - I am with you. Home schooling may be tough, but at least there's an end date for that (hopefully soon). Why oh why are people like me crazy enough to work in education.

I really want to have a conversation for the lack of representation for boarding staff to be honest. I know in my workplace, at times and only with certain people it can feel like boarding staff are looked down upon because we aren't teachers. And they're right - I don't have a PGCE, I have no interest in teaching the same curriculum every year, and I have a great respect for people that choose that profession. But as boarding staff, we're there to help with the homework, the pastoral issues, the homesickness, the vomiting in the middle of the night - I've got so many stories from this job that would scar most people for life.

We stayed on campus for 4 months in Lockdown 1, and I'm about to go back to staying on campus until this lockdown is over. Not sure how I'm going to do with it all, especially after so long off. For the first time since I began working, I'm not excited about going back, and that really says it all. And when I get there it's going to be fine, I'll get back on the horse and carry on. But for now, as I sit in my lovely room in my lovely house upstairs from my lovely parents after a lovely and relaxing 8 weeks, chilling out with my the post-furlough fear.

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