Sometimes I think of those clowns at circuses that are riding elephants whilst juggling fire. Trying to keep all of the elements of life afloat can be challenging.
I think some people look at my life and think wow that looks great and easy. And don't get me wrong: it is great. I have a good job, lovely partner, nice family, great pals, and I am writing. Maybe not always on here... but I am, which makes me both proud of me, and happy as heck.
Those of you that have followed this blog, know that my actual full time job is hard work. House Mistressing is not a part time job, nor is it as simple as working 50 hours a week. Even when I am not "on call", I'm getting messages on Teams from my students, usually asking me when sports hall opens or what time dinner is.
So when I was off over the winter, and had all this free time, I thought naively that I could handle working voluntarily for an online magazine, maybe even 2. I've now been back at work for 6 weeks, and already had to take a week off from the music magazine so I could focus on my actual paid job. I was getting so worked up about making their deadlines that I wasn't enjoying it, and I was strangling my writing flow. I've learnt that if I am feeling stretched, speaking out and just admitting that you need lenience usually gets you further than trying to struggle through. I took the week to focus on working and catching up on sleep, and when I got the next lot of possible release articles I was so excited to get back to my keyboard!
I also thought, in my hazy 9 weeks off, that when I got back to work, managing a blog would be easy. How wrong was I. And I feel guilty when I realise it's been another week and I haven't written anything. But then I remember, this is my place, for my brain to unwind and speak it's mind. No-one is depending on my blog, nobody is counting the days between my posts.
That's when I realised that a lot of my anxieties and stresses come from thinking about other peoples expectations. Sometimes, I need to step back, and actually rationalise about how I think people are feeling about whatever it is that's going on with me.