Losing your Passion and Starting Anew
Yes yes yes, it's been a while. If anyone still cares then hello. I'd apologise but the last 12 months have been rocky and honestly a bit shit.
Getting back on the writing bus has felt like something that I couldn't do. Honestly, it's been a source of embarrassment for the last year. I started this blog to prove that I could make something unique, and maybe to kick start some sort of career move.
The truth is, I probably don't have brain or the balls to be a real writer. The dream since I was small has been to write. I was one of those secret fanfiction writers throughout my teenage years, inspired by Harry Potter and Pirates of the Caribbean (I know - weird flex but who isn't inspired by Orlando Bloom). And before you assume the worst in me - no it wasn't dirty fanfiction. If anyone cares I'll talk more about what it was that I wrote another time. Honestly, my stories did quite well and I was proud of them (just not proud enough of them to tell anyone outside of a very tight circle of trusted people). Mr first chapter was published back in 2011 and even to this day people are still reading and reviewing my work from all those years ago, with people asking for more and wondering where I went.
I may have outgrown the site but the want to write never really left. I have really vivid dreams, almost nightly, and when I can I write them in the notes on my phone in the middle of the night, only to reread them the next morning to realise they're probably just gobbledygook.
I turned to this blog to try my hand at real writing, about real stuff. Then I hid behind the Flaky Chef because I had nothing to say. I lost my Nana last May, and with it anything profound to contribute to the world (not saying I was profound before but I want to be). She was such an important part of my life, I have so many memories with her, and then she lost her mind and eventually she passed away. It was stressful for years, I wasn't really part of her final year because I work away and there was this pandemic thing going on, and then it was done and I just felt quite low for a while. Then last month, we lost my Papa, and that was it - a massive part of my life, family and childhood was done with. I spoke at both of their funerals, I could've spoken for hours, but one thing I left out from his was that in his final years he would always tell me to "do things while you can".
In terms of doing things - I am at a loss. I am staying at my job for another year, after complaining and boasting that I would be leaving all year. I'm happy with the choice I made, it's the right one for me, but it feels like I may be letting him down a little... Which is dumb because there's just too many other things to juggle without quitting my job, there's too many restrictions in the world to travel like I want to, and another year of saving money at a job that I do well is the wise and adult thing to be doing. But I am not "doing things", not new things anyway.
So I am blogging again. I need to just find more things to say. Then at least I will be "doing".
So I'm exposing myself. In this post alone I've exposed myself more than I ever have in life or online - I'm grieving, I wrote fanfiction, I want to be a writer. That's three expose's right there. Is it three too many?